The Middle Place

I read a statistic recently that says middle children typically receive 12% less attention than their siblings. I'm not sure how they calculate that but the research went on to say that this may lead to what's called the "middle child syndrome" which is defined by a sense of not belonging, a starving for attention that leads to insecurity, lack of identity, drive or ambition, and feeling out of place because they are not overachievers, like their older siblings, or spoiled and babied like the youngest.

I can see some middle childness in my Zoe. She is at once too big and too small - craving the coddling that the baby gets and crying when she can't do what Athena does. She is her sister's shadow and often grouped into Athena activities which are usually much more advanced than her three and a half years. Yet she clings to her babyhood with her "Hold me!" demands, requiring us to pick her up at least once a day. We do it, breaking our backs to balance her 38 pound frame, because we know she needs that little extra attention and, frankly, how can we not when she says things like "Hold me because I'm still little" or "Hold me because I love you and miss you."

We're doing the best we can to lavish attention on all of our minis. But having a third child dramatically changes the dynamics of a family. Suddenly it's no longer one on one parenting. We are outnumbered and have to turn to a zone defense strategy. Kids get less individual time and attention and the older ones must do more for themselves. We have to double-up and the logistics get complicated. It's inevitable that sometimes someone will get lost in the mix, someone won't be heard or someone's feelings will be overlooked no matter how hard we try.

In all the research it seems that middle children are most often describe by what they are not instead of who they are. So this is what Zoe is:

• she is incredibly funny, where her sister is our ham she is our true comedian
• she's a wonderful storyteller and tells tall tales with detail and dialogue
• she has a proprietary love for anything purple
• she is an adventurous eater and will try almost anything, but eat almost nothing
• she is endearing and melts our hearts daily with her random "I love you"s
• she is her Daddy's girl -her recent wish in the fountain was for "Daddy not to leave on anymore trips" which just about broke Chris' heart
• she is so photogenic with her soulful eyes and sweet face
• she is a homebody and prefers a day at home over any adventure
• she is resilient and will often "do the time for the crime" - going ahead and pulling her sister's hair even though she knows it will result in time out
• she deeply loves her sister and brother despite the constant disagreements
  
• she is very good at putting on bandaids and thinks she will make a great doctor some day
• and she holds a special place in the hearts of her extended family - almost to the point of favoritism

I believe that being forewarned is being forearmed. And I know we can counter the negative effects of Zoe being stuck in the middle by remembering to give her opportunities to shine singularly, to love her uniquely, praise her accomplishments and simply pay attention amidst the daily chaos. And even though they are three strong, try try try to take just one minute every day to treat each one like they are an only child.